Beyond Brave Face Parenting: Embracing the Raw Emotions of Caring for a Child with Invisible Illness

Some peaks we climb, others we circle - but every mountain in our emotional landscape deserves to be seen when we are parenting a child with health issues.

One thing – Allow it ALL.

Yes, yes, yes.  We’ve all seen Inside Out and Inside Out 2 (if not, why not?).  We all know the theory.  We all know how it works.  We all know how it feels.  We all know what to do about it.  We all know it’s all ‘okay’.

And then there’s reality.

We have no time, we have become desensitised, we can’t do it in front of our children, we don’t know how to express it, or who to, no one understands it anyway, there’s so much we don’t know where to start and ‘it will probably be better tomorrow’ anyway. 

The list goes on.

And as each day passes the list becomes bigger, longer, more substantial, more believable, more insurmountable and, frankly, more everything.

So we bottle it.

What started as a little niggle turned into a little worry, which turned into a nuisance factor, which turned into a not being able to get rid of the feeling, which turned into a waking up in the night thing, which turned into an all day and all night awareness, which turned into chronic acceptance of a negative experience that settles in our body as if it lives there and finally becomes so normalised that it even has it’s own armchair in our mind body and soul.

And then sometimes.  Just sometimes.  It comes out.

The anger, the fear, the worry, the stress, the tears, the frustration, the helplessness, the grief, the anger, the depression, the anxiety.

And supposedly, you feel better.  Its what were meant to do right?  Let it out?  Release the beast, cry it out, let it go, talk about it, hug someone, slump in a chair and then it will all be better.

Except we know it doesn’t work like that.  Emotions aren’t that easily handled (even if they are in theory, in imagination and in films).  We go back to living life, our real life and it’s all still the same.

Is that progress?  Was it worth it? Do we actually feel better for baring our souls and admitting everything to ourselves and others?

 Well yes, actually, it was.  The theory, the imagaination and the films are still correct.  Building up, storing and then holding on to negativity indefinitely will one hundred percent bring you down.  All the way down.  It might take a while, but one way or another we will be unduly affected by not allowing the body to do what it is designed to do.  Think First World War and shell shock.  Can we honestyl say that by encouraging a stiff upper lip that those affected were somehoe not affected by their horrendous experiences? Nor their livelihoods, nor their families, nor their descendants, nor society as a whole?

We can admire their strength and their ability to be stoic.  But we can also feel terribly sad that they had to endure this and had no means to counteract it or re-establish their lives in a way that made any sense to them, or others.

That seems a tragedy on so many levels.

Don’t let it be you.  And yes, I know you’re saying this is nothing like it.  But take it as a wanring.  Bad things happen, and we need to be able to physically, mentally and emotionally make sense of them in a way that we can still function in the everyday.

On the whole we don’t refuse positive emotions, and we should learn to not refuse negative ones too.  They are real, important, telling us something and need to be heard and responded to.  So even if writing a list of what you’re feeling, talking into your voice recorder on your phone, watching a film to access the feelings, seeking some professional help or working out to work it off it is vital you find some way to allow your emotions to do their job.

So what have I missed?  Do you agree with what I’ve written?  Let me know in the comments, as well as any top tips, ideas or suggestions for how you, or others, might manage this.

Are you affected by this topic? 

Would you like to know more? 

Would you like to help me with my research by undertaking a survey and/or a phone conversation with me talking about your experiences?

Maybe you’d like help in managing where you are at with this?

Send me a message with your contact details and I’ll be in touch.