You Were Someone Before 'Mum': Why it is Important to Remember Your Identity While Parenting a Child with Extra Needs.

You are a person in your own right, as well as being a parent and a carer of a child with health challenges. Motherhood doesn't erase, it adds to your story.

One thing – you’re still a person, as well as a mum.

Have you noticed that family caregivers of old people are more likely to be identified, acknowledged, supported and sympathised with?  And have you ever noticed that as a caregiver of a child with extra needs you somehow don’t really count and are just fulfilling the job that you are expected to do? 

Do you think the same would be said of a man who did the same thing (and good on you if you’re one of those men, or one of those men who share the load as a parent)?

And have you also noticed that men often do it for their partners when they get old, but because of the way the world is currently set up and the ages which we have children it is quite normal for men to keep the stability (mainly financial) during the earlier years of family life…which inevitably means the woman carries the bulk of the load for the ‘caring’ role of the more needy child. And not just for a little while either. 

What starts off as a practical decision becomes ingrained and, given the societal bias of gender roles, means the titles of ‘caregiver’ and ‘mum’ become so intertwined they might as well be one thing.  We haven’t earnt the label out of choice, we’re morphed into it and now identify with it so much we have no idea who or what else we are.

So let’s make matters worse.

We’ve often given away the best years of our lives to support and care for someone who, quite frankly, doesn’t even see us a real person.  We’re just ‘Mum’.  We don’t have plans, dreams, emotions, jobs or careers, ambitions, fears or, frankly, anything resembling what one might call ‘real life’.

And it’s not our child’s fault.  It’s not their job to think of us as anything other than that.

But it doesn’t mean we are just that.

We were people before we had children.

We were people before we experienced adult life.

We were people before we went to school.

We were people before we learnt how to walk and talk.

We were people from the moment we came into existence.

And that hasn’t stopped.  We’ve just grown into a vast array of other personas as the life journey we have undertaken has evolved.  It’s also unlikely to stop any time soon!

Our biology, family, upbringing, beliefs, thinking, society and culture all steer us in a certain way.  And although I’m not here to debate the fundamentals of any of this right here, I am here to encourage you to remember that you are a person in your own right; even alongside or in spite of the fact that you are also a mother.

You are entitled to everything your child, your child’s father, your broader family, your friends, your work colleagues, your bus driver, your Doctor and anyone else in your world also wants, dreams and aspires to.

Please.  Never just think of or tell yourself (or others) you’re ‘just a mum’.  You exist.  You are therefore worthy of everything that ‘existence’ allows.  There is no need to box yourself up into a tight, closed and rigid structure.  Allow the ‘you’ to stay in the world and find ways to let the ‘you’ show up.

How might you do this?  Well that’s for another whole heap of articles, but how about asking yourself these questions for starters?

·       What did I enjoy doing as a child/teen/young adult/adult before having a more needy child?

·       How much time do I allocate for ME in a normal day/week/month?  Is it enough?

·       Do I ask for help from people if I need or want it?  If not, why not?

·       Would I be okay if other people looked after themselves as much/little as I do?

·       Am I showing up as the best parent I can be if I am forsaking my own needs?

·       What are the hopes and dreams for my life, and even if I can’t have them all which ones can I still achieve or do?

·       Who is a role model I could aspire to and/or copy?

There is no ‘one right way’ for parenting, hard core parenting or being you.  But it’s really important, in spite of your caring and family responsibilities, that you also remember you are a person too and deserve as much of a life as everyone else has.

So what have I missed?  Do you agree with what I’ve written?  Let me know in the comments, as well as any top tips, ideas or suggestions for how you, or others, might manage this.

Are you affected by this topic? 

Would you like to know more? 

Would you like to help me with my research by undertaking a survey and/or a phone conversation with me talking about your experiences?

Maybe you’d like help in managing where you are at with this?

Send me a message with your contact details and I’ll be in touch.