What Happens When You Stop Seeing The Bad?

Changing the way we notice things changes the way we feel about ourselves and our situations too. Here's how small moments of support can reshape our perspective and our life.

Have you ever felt completely isolated and alone in your current situation, like no one understands and gets what it's like for you?

Have you ever felt like you've given your life for your child or children, and you don't begrudge a minute of it, but you do also wonder whether it's actually worth the price you personally have paid? The life you didn't dream of. The life you didn't plan for. The life you don't really want, in spite of the love?

This isn't an unusual dilemma for lots of mothers. And yet. With the added 'bonuses' of our children's needs we seem to have had more than our fair share of extras to deal with for-ever – and then some!

It can be exhausting, demoralising, overwhelming and thankless. We know that.

But it doesn't change our reality.

Or does it?

Well, last week when I asked Jo (not her real name) about whether everyone had been a disaster on the medical and educational journey of her son she paused for a moment and said no. I asked who hadn't been. She then relayed a scenario where a Doctor's receptionist had fought for her son to get the help he needed and had enabled them both to see someone way ahead of the allotted appointment.

I asked her if anything else like that had happened. She paused for thought again, and then relayed a story of a teaching assistant who went way over and above her job role to ensure that her son could go on a school trip that the Headteacher had said was not practical for him to attend because of the risks. Another person and another scenario where she had been surprised by the response and outcome.

As we continued the conversation she managed to come up with more and more examples of situations where the good had surpassed the bad – in spite of life still being incredibly tough for both her, and her son.

That simple question proved a revelation to her. Put simply; we get more of what we believe is true. So if we think the world is against us, we will see, find and then seek views that conform to that belief. It is, quite literally, all about perspective.

Why does this matter? Because if our perspective shapes what we see, then shifting that perspective - even slightly - can make the world feel kinder, safer and more supportive for us and our children.

Of course we're going to be let down, disappointed, upset, annoyed and frustrated by circumstances and people, we live in an imperfect world. But we can also influence our own state of mind (and that of our children) by noticing where the light gets in alongside the darkness.

Jo still fights the same systems. Her son still struggles. But she notices the helpers more now and she sleeps better too. And that's not nothing.

So the question is, which direction are you looking in, and does it serve you and your family? What if there's some light in there too - would you want to see it?

To help see more of the light, to speak to me about your experiences or to provide some help with my research about parents supporting children with chronic and invisible challenges please get in touch.